Healing is not a straight line

I was recently overwhelmed by a feeling of Envy. From out of almost nowhere, it just washed over me like a rogue wave, tumbling me in this circle of woe and confusion.

Part of the confusion involved wondering why, since I am many steps into my healing process and doing some serious shadow work, this was happening. I did not think I was or am "cured" - there's always work to be done. But I didn't expect this particular emotion at all. The last time I had been Envious was sometime in my 20's. It just doesn't come up much.

Another part involved being truly happy for the person whose situation I was suddenly coveting. They deserved the goodness they were getting; they'd worked for it. There was nothing unfair about it at all. I knew this even through these intense waves of I Want.

I've talked about Naudhiz before. I am about to talk about it again.

Envy is a strange thing. In some religions it's considered a "deadly sin". I can see why; it blinds us to what we have, it can turn us against people who have what we think we deserve, it can be a reminder that we have not been working very hard at something, and so much more.

So I looked at this sudden attack of Envy. Questioning it, and examining my relationship with this thing. What had I been envious of before? Sometimes, it was justifiable (I wished I had stable parents, and envied one particular girl who did), sometimes not (she also had long hair and a duck). It all seemed so unfair - and some of it really was. But it wasn't her fault. My envy in that case was misplaced anger and hurt.

In this case, it was misplaced anger, again, but with myself for not taking the steps I knew I had to in order to enjoy the fruits of the effort. It was hard to admit, because I have been working hard, but not with any real direction to achieving what I want very much, and need for my next level of work.

So this need, this Naudhiz, was something I was not meeting, and something only I can meet. As Naudhiz often points to the inherent abilities to solve many of our problems or situation with what we have (it is the shape of a bow drill - which makes fire if used), I had to look at what I was not doing about the situation.

Now I will talk about Gebo, which is about the exchange of energies or gifts. An equality of exchange is expected in order to maintain balance. I had not been putting out much directed effort, and so why would I expect a good exchange? Obviously, I needed to change my methods.

In recent weeks, I have done just that. I accepted a position at work which will help fund my next steps, and I have begun the process of actually attaining what I want.

I have also prayed, made offerings, meditated, and all of this. This all helps to sharpen my intent and focus my energies, but none of that will work unless I do my part here in Midgard. So, I am also picking up the phone, keeping appointments, and making decisions.