Grimoire: Thoughts
I am about to start a new grimoire book. My old one is one or two days (depending on what I do) from full. I've already bought the new volume, which is pretty much exactly like the old-to-be one.
This year so far has been a combination of intense and willy-nilly. There have been various upheavals of various levels of seriousness, and this has affected my level of work, both in volume and in quality.
As I come to the end of this book, I am intending to close it out by reviewing the years involved (it's a fat book), and summing up. What did I learn? Where did I duck out? How can I make the new edition even better, more learn-y? Why did I duck out? This will show me some things I already know, but I now have documentation (even by its lack) of the problem spots in both my magical practice and my life. Often these overlap, of course. Facing these areas helps to focus my moving ahead.
A friend told me something kind of harsh on the surface, but needed: In a recent situation that was grossly unfair to me, I did play a part. "You stayed after that first week of not getting paid. You need to look at what you think of yourself that you would do that."And he is correct. I do need to think of why, to see what it is that held me in that spot, why I handed that control over to people who will (probably) never make good.
I know that part of why is my inclination to give people the benefit of the doubt, and its companion, the inclination to think the best of people. These are fine traits, when the other party deserves them. But why did I not give myself the benefit of the doubt, think of the best in me, and honor that best by not letting it get taken advantage of? Obviously, the answer is complex, and, yes, a therapist is involved, but being out of the situation is an important. There is something huge to be said for changing the actions/situation and then figuring stuff out. What first, Why later.
A grimoire, for me, is part magical practice documentation, part magical journal of writing it out until I figure it out. This new one, when I dedicate it, will be dedicated to moving forward, to honoring myself and my practice, to not hiding in silence when I know something is going ridiculously.
I will also be reviewing the times when I felt and acted in strength and power. It's important to look at the areas of success when assessing the course of events. What was I doing that gave me strength? How did that strength feel? How did it help to hook into connecting with the Everything when I was honoring and acting through strength? And how did that feel? How will I step back into those habits and activities? How will I bring myself back solidly onto my path and become yet stronger?
I have some plans.
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